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satisfied

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weddingbells709@yahoo.com :o)  isn't that just too cute ?? (since brent's last name is bell)
sigh .. if anyone has any great places to get married / have a reception in VA please email me !!!

soooo this morning i was all ready to go to school and i get out to my car .. it won't open.  i pour water on it .. it won't open.  so i called my friend, a fellow michiganer, and he was like no no you have to boil water - you're only making it worse.  GREAT so i go out to pour boiling water on my door and it opens! i get in to take off and while i was pulling out my door opens.  oooooook so now my latch is frozen to the open position and if i put water on it to close it .... ill be stuck in my car.  this story is taking way too long to tell BUT the moral is i hate school.  i hate frozen foors.  and i hate that the only day i've ever been ready on time - my door was frozen.

FANFRIGGINTASTIC

on the other hand :):):) brent!s coming sooooon......i just baught his ticket yesterday.  and i know he's getting my ring before then :) he's teasing the crap out of my but i just know it.  you should see my ring.  it's pretty amazing.  im gonna have to get a mani before he comes.  and my toes cause uhhhh he likes my feet o: )  it's gonna be so great !!!! oh an he's moving here the first week of may.  sighsighsigh too bad we have to wait till next summer to be married but this way we get an amazing wedding, an amazing cruise for our honeymoon, and an amazing nest egg.  i want to be able to have money to do things.  like go on dates and go visit family cause .. when we're married well be able to sleep in the same bed when we go places! omgahh im way too much of a dork i have no ieda why he loves me :)

SO i got a job.  i'm a cashier at hiller's market.  it's like sams club niceness without the bulk.  i make 8.40 an hour and im part of a union which means you can't get fired for anything really.  :)  not that i would be a bad worker but it's nice to know my jobs not so fragile.  hopefully brent will be able to get a job there too!  hes moving at the best time - when people are looking for employees.  one of meee besties is working there already.  he got hired right after i did HA.  its pretty sweet i must say.

my friends are awesome btw.  its always been so hard for me to have friends.  even if i want to .. i cannot open up to people.  sure people know about my past, where im going, what my beliefs are ....... but its really hard for me to talk bout my inner feelings.  and for some reason i have noooo problem telling them.  which is weird cause aspen and brent are the only ones ive ever opened up to.  and it took years.  hah.  but chya.

all i can say is life is great.  im doing good in school.  im making money.  my babe is moving here in like 3  months!  im getting married next summer followed by the most amazing vacatoin ever.  and i must say the best part of getting married is planning it.  i'm like the biggest nerd when it comes to crap like that :o)  i just can't imagine being with anyone else.  he's just so romantic without being romantic.  i love that we're best friends ..... i love that we just sit there and have tickle fights followed by giggly kisses.  i love that we lay in bed for hours just talking about everything.  i love that i know how much he loves me.  and i lovelovelove how needy he is.  because it lets me know im not alone in this.  most of all i love our love story.  i cant wait to tell our children and grandchildren how much we've always love each other ~ even through the hard times .. like my parents have told me. i cant wait to grow old with him.  anyone who knows me knows im terrified about dying.  not with him though.  all i want is time to watch our children have children and then .. off into the darkness we go.  

i can't believe its true.  that there are roads left in both of our shoes. and if the silence takes you then i hope it takes me too.
so brown eyes i hold you near.  cause youre the only song i want to hear.  a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.

loveloveallihaveisloveforthatboy
ok well now that i'm teary eyed and starving ..  
its time to text my babe, watch a sappy love movie, 
and eat my way into this huge cake we made last night.

byeyall

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loved

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i think the most amazing thing about my life is the love of my life.  our entire relationship has been so complicated and now it's just simple.  it's so easy to love and be loved.  it's something we've both wanted for so long.  being apart seems like a lifetime ago.  we always knew that others wouldn't ease our loneliness.  everyday we talked .. everyday we told each other we loved each other.  everyday we broke eachothers hearts.  and now here we are.  mending.  being.  loving.  living .. finally.  

now we're getting married.  now we're starting our lives living the way we want to live.  i want all the happiness for him ~because he's my best friend, because he's my future husband, the future father to our children .. and i'm finally in a place to give him that happiness.  i've let go of my past, i've left all my insecurities and blame where it belongs.  who i was 7 years ago, 2 years ago, yesterday doesn't have to be the me that's here today.  living, breathing, changing for a new better life.  a loving life that starts with him and ends with me.

i don't know where i'd be without his love.  without his constant unconditional love.  how did someone like me get so lucky?  how did this love make it so far?  this is what it means to be blessed.  to change from old habits.  to know yourself for who you used to be and who you are today.  this is what love can do.  

shnooks.
you are my world.  
you make me smile in my sleep, 
you make me feel beautiful, 
you make my nights amazing, 
and my mornings bliss, 
...
i can't wait to grow old with you,
i can't wait to see your eyes in our children,
i can't wait to come home to you every night,
i can't wait to smell you every morning.

i can't wait to tell our children our love story.  i can't wait for us to say i do.





i always will.

[	Current Mood	|	ecstatic	]
[	Current Music	|	the pierces ~ three wishes	]

 it's 2008 and my life is perfect.  brenton and i are together, my best friend is happy, my family is happy, my classes are kick ass, and my friends are pretty sweeeeeeeet :)

this year my resolution is to work on my flexability.  i haven't started yet but it's gonna happen. 

my tattoo is all healed now .. mee nose too!  i love that my tattoos mean so much to me.  i love that my parents didn't kick me out so my nose piercing.  oh btw they haven't seen my arm tat yet BUT they love me so hopefully they won't be too disappointed.  thank god for cold weatherrrr :)

christmas was spent with my family .. by family i mean my aunt and 3 cousins, my uncle, my grammy & papa.  we all didn't have much money for gifts which was great - we all realized that the greatest gift was being together.  i haven't had a christmas without them all my life .. and i plan on keeping it that way.

i stayed with brent's family for 2 weeks :)  i love them so .. more than most love their inlaws.  i didn't see aspen that much due to her convention in Missouri, but i don't fear our seperation like i used to.  i know she'll always be there for me.  i was able to spend a lot of time with the baby :)  when brent and i stayed at aspens i got him in the morning so aspen and ryan could sleep.  he was so cute cuddled up next to brent ... i don't know what kinda connection they have but he's so content with brent :)  i love that the 5 of us get along so great.  

i also discovered my love for KINGS.  that game is seriously amazing.  brent and i spent new years eve with gretch and her duuude .. 2 decks of cards and soco + dr. pepper was suitng me just finee :)  

i went home with so much happiness ~ i haven't been happy in 6 months annnd all of a sudden my face actually cramps from the goofy smiles i get everytime i think about my life now.  

there are a few things that are trying to rain on my parade .. but i think it'll work itself out :) well i think ima go make some brownies and have some one on one time with my sister :)

night*yall

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angry

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life.  it used to be about love.  it used to be about happiness .. a selfless happiness.  "i'll scratch your back, if you scratch mine" .. it's so simple yet perfect.  people didn't worry about their own happiness because they knew someone else would take care of them, so inturn they worried about others.  there was a time when this meant something .. 

now.  life.  is about you.  everything is about pleasing your id.  when did life become selfish?  when did love become a head thing and not a heart thing?  when did love become conditional?  my soul bleeds for meaning.  i scream for knowledge, but i get no response.  

there was a time when i loved.  there was a time when i was happy.  the self-less kind of happy.  i feel so out of place in my own skin.  i feel so helpless in my own life.  since when did i become so .. blank?

 life is so lonely. 

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anxious

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i love that i can curl up next to my dad and watch movies.  i love that i can rely on my mom no matter what.  i love that no matter how mean i've been to my sister, she will always forgive and forget.  i don't know what i would do without them ... really ...




so today is friday.  i stayed up way too late last night so naturally i didn't attend art class.  wasn't the smartest decision considering i won't be there next friday.  BUT she likes me, so maybe just maybe she won't mind my absence.  it is such a gloomy day.  after sleeping til 2 and reading till 5 i started cleaning.  obviously i didn't get very far cause i'm sitting here writing this.  this depression thing is kicking my ass.

in exactly 7 days i will be home.  i will be visiting my boy, my sister, my friends.  oh man i miss them so.  i know as soon as joshua smiles his sweet little smile at me i am going to cry.  i hate that i am not there watching him grow.  i hate that i'm missing his first everything.  i feel like i'm kinda like a serogate to him, like it's my responsibilty to watch over him.  i will cringe the day that i visit and he shys away from me.  hopefully that will never happen, hopefully he will take comfort in aspen&i's bond.  hopefully ...

that's a word i've over-used this week.  this month.  this year.  hopefully things will finally be normal.  i haven't felt normal in 7 years, and i'm getting tired.  feeling hopeless.  this feeling of dread is growing, something bad is going to happen .. soon.  as if it could get any worse ..... knock on wood ...... i seriously have a cloud over my head, and it's followed me to MI.  part of me just wants it to rain and get it over with.

  tomorrow i am hangin out with andrea.  finally someone reliable.  someone i can talk to.  phonecalls and IM are just not cutting it.  she's bringing a friend which will be nice .. another girl around.  i can't believe how dramatic boys are now-a-days.  it is so rediculous .. treating girls like they're property .. thinking they can just flash us a smile and we'll lie down .. maybe out of desperation~but that exterior is so transparent .. sorry to disappoint but smooth talkin does not help if you are ugly, a liar, or a skeez.  in my case he was all three ....................anyways........................

7 more days.  all i need to do is get through 7 more days of this shit.  don't get me wrong i love it here, and i'm glad i came.  i'm just glad that i am able to go somwhere safe.  somewhere where people, who i've known for years, love me.  they truely love me unconditionally.  real friends are so rare, how did someone like me get so lucky?  true, it's hard to believe that robert and i are so close.  i broke his heart after 2 years, and he still has my back.  he still loves me no matter what.  aspen~ she is my ying.  she is my complete opposite, i need her more than i need anyone. and brenton, i don't know what to say.  i've hurt him so much, but he still stands by me.  he knows my thoughts and he knows my problems, usually before i do.  gretch~ for some reason we always end up together.  haah we have screwed eachother royaly, but there is an underlying truth to our relationship.  

i guess that's the point though.  even if these people did the worst things possible (visa versa) i would forgive and forget without hesitation if they were sincerely sorry.  i can't imagine turning my back on any of them no matter what the damage, and they would never let me down.  ever.  i hoped to find people like that here, but it's looking pretty slim.  at the university people don't really talk to each other, and you know i won't approach anyone.  and everyone i know (besides andrea) have been, well, horrible.  i just can't associate with people that don't know forgiveness, that use others, that lie, and that constantly talk shit.  it's one thing to say something about someone when they know how you feel. it's a complete different balll game when you're best friends with them infront of their face.  take that fake shit somewhere else. forreal.

i really didn't intend for this entry to be angry.  that's just how i feel right now.  it's not like anyone reads this so why should i hide anything?  i've always put myself out there.  you know how i feel, what i've been through, where i'm going .. maybe i tell too much.  i've been told that that is my greatest downfall.  i tell people way too much.  i just can't help it.  no matter how much i've bee burned i always trusted people.  i need to work on that because let's face it.  you can't trust anyone in today's society.  everyone is so consumed with what they want and how they feel - they could give a rats ass about you .. that is until you fuck up.  they love that shit don't they?

ann arbor.  definately need to walk this agression off.
lateryall.

i love my house
i love my room
i love my bathroom.  my very own bathroom.
if anyone knows my sister, they know she is the messiest person ever.  i love her but i was about ready to strangle her when we had to share a room.

today has been .. cold.  everything just kinda flew by .. since i'm going home soon i've just been gettting through the days.  mental note: enjoy your anticipation :)  so this morning i was late to a dentist appt, and my teeth are just now  feeling normal.  i read my book in AP (which is fabulous FYI the black dagger brotherhood series by jr ward is amazing)  and i was somewhat entertained by my psych teacher .. she's from india so her accent is easy to pay attention to.  plus i love psych .. if i wasn't so family oriented i would so be a psychiatrist.  

last night i hung out with the boys.  i've always gotten along with boys better.  they are just so simple.  there's no grudging, judging, manipulation .. well maybe a little of the third, but for the most part their intensions are obvious.  that's what i've noticed about people here, they are more straight forward.  where i'm from you so much as look at a black person they get offended ~ you can't pass a black guy without some cat call that is way over the line.  but here it's exactly how it should be.  no one cares about the color of your skin as long as you're chill everything's straight.  the girls too, i'll admit i've met a few crazies but they aren't judgemental, which is a relief. :)

so tonight i am going to soak in my tub, and finish my book.  watch gossip girls online, and finish up with the 11pm news.    who'da thunk i'd be reading books and enjoying the news???  that one kinda set me up but .. i just never made time for reading, and the news anchors are so dry.  now i've found my favorite genre and i've learned to look passed the aweful way they speak.

i'm jacquelynn tomlinson
you stay classy .. planet earth